11.27.2011

Dōmo arigatō, Mr. Roboto...

Although his first prototype was an immediate hit with the ladies, the lack of cheap Taiwanese microprocessors in the 1920's forced Salvadore Dali to give up his career in robotics to pursue the more mundane path of a whacked out artist.






When Fritz Lang released Metropolis in 1927, he introduced the worlds first truly sexy evil robot babe on an unsuspecting society. The mad (?) scientist Rotwang actually invented a machine-man, ya see, but since this chick Maria was stirring up the workers like a damned socialist he and his evil rich cohort decided to give the machine-man her face. And tits. After the transsexual robot (who obviously has some major issues by now - hey, who wouldn't ?) pretty much fools everybody into thinking it's a hooker by dancing in an oriental themed whorehouse, anarchy ensues. But Maria saves the babies and gets her guy in the end. The robot is burned at the stake for witchcraft. Or for being a transsexual. Or for dancing badly. Take your pick.  






1935 saw something completely different as the California Pacific International Exposition opened for a two year run in San Diego's Balboa Park. From the San Diego History Center:

"Of the five expositions held in the United States in the 1930's, the one in San Diego was the most distinct in appearance... While the antiseptic newness and extraordinary lighting of 1930's buildings provided a vision of change, in San Diego the fairytale Spanish-Colonial city, created for the 1915-16 fair, struck the spellbinding note. "

Featuring such  breathtaking exhibits as the Palace of Better Housing, the Palace of Food and Beverages, the Palace of Education, the Palace of Water and Transportation and Queen Zorine of the Nudists, California wowed the crowds.


A colony of about fifty nudists read books, played handball and ate vegetables in Zoro Garden, at the northern tip of Gold Gulch (something like a Palace of the Wild West). Chief of Police George Sears saw that the women wore brassieres and G-strings, but he was  apparently somewhat lax in enforcing that rule. The "Zoro" in Zoro Garden was the name of a bogus sun-god whose full name was supposed to be Zoroaster, the name of a Persian prophet btw- not the swashbuckling Mexican Hero.

Back in the Palace of Science "Alpha", a 2,000 lb. chrome-plated steel giant, received visitors. He answered questions, blinked his eyes, sat down, stood up, smoked cigarettes and fired a pistol on command . When Alpha was asked if he loved his wife, he replied ungallantly, "I've a heart of steel. I don't love nobody and nobody loves me." Typically he then took his pistol and smokes to go check out Zorine and her nudists.


get you some big man...

Robots hit the spotlight in various '50s sci-fi and horror films, usually symbolizing technology created for the good of mankind running amok - a lesson for children of all ages to forget that science gobbledegook and get their asses back to work on the farm.


For some strange reason women seemed not to fear the huge vibrating machines....



But robots weren't real picky, and sometimes interbred with Bigfoot.

By the 70's though things had turned around. Sure, they could still get screwed up and try to destroy earth, but now robots were being viewed more as an in-home convenience. No time to walk spot, do the dishes or zip up your dress? Science has an answer.

not sure what those cameras are zooming in on...


When the good Doctor and Time Lord introduced the world to the Daleks in 1963 we just knew it was only a matter of time until the evil salt shakers tried to make their name in the world of porn. I mean, come on- the thing is armed with a fucking toilet plunger and what else does one do with a toilet plunger (well, besides its literal use of course)?
They started with a good plan: after Katy Manning left the show in 1973 she quickly went over to the dark side, doing a Playboy shoot with Dalek #3 (the buff one). Playboy took a pass since she wasn't actually willing to show anything and judging by the British styles at the time they weren't quite sure she was actually a "she". But an Australian magazine with the uniquely creative title Girl Illustrated jumped all over them after the editor's toaster began mysteriously chanting "exterminate" for several nights in a row.



 

 Disappointed by Hugh Hefner's failure to recognize good art, the Daleks reportedly launched a full scale attack on the Playboy mansion but were distracted at the last minute by a platoon of bunnies armed with toilet brushes.

It took them over 30 years to reprogram themselves but finally they got moving again in 2005 with Dr. Loo and the Filthy Phaleks. Sparing no expense they hired an all-star cast, including the UK's "number one porn queen" Alicia Rhodes. The film was directed by Gorgeous Gee, produced by Desperate Dee and featured McKenzie Lee. Jamie Bee was "best boy". I'm not making this shit up folks.

Ms. Rhodes plays Dr. Louise Flangebatter, who is traveling through time and space in her luxury time toilet The TURDIS when she meets up with damsel in distress Quimberly Dickmore. They travel together with house shag-bot Kay Nine to the planet Skrotum Four where they come face to face with the Lady Sodomi and her army of deadly oversexed Phaleks.

Dr. Loo aboard the Turdis.
 
Fast on the heels of this soon to be epic porn fail -I mean literally days after- they attempted to corner the soft-porn market with Abducted by the Daleks. Three apparently human females of East European descent -I say "apparently" because the acting infers that they may actually be the Daleks themselves wearing human suits- get lost in the woods where they inexplicably misplace their tacky disco dresses and have to simulate softcore lesbian petting to survive. A serial killer is loose in the woods, but before he can strike they get abducted by our kinky metal friends who duct tape them to a wall and shoot death rays at their platform shoes whilst farting voluminous amounts of fog.

I won't ruin the ending for you, but if you're sick enough to watch the video I will tell you that it does end. Don't claw your brain out.
Tip of the day- Dr. Loo was bad. Really bad.
But compared to this it's Oscar material.








The movie was actually so bad that they took their name off and retitled it "Abducted by the Daloids", but the damage was done. An anticipated sequel to Dr. Loo never got off the drawing boards and the Daleks were relegated back to playing second string to Dr. Who and doing commercials for real salt shakers.


Other robots tried to follow the Daleks into the Porn business, with mixed results.





Robby the Robot was born in the MGM props department sometime in the mid '50s, and made his acting debut in the 1956 film Forbidden Planet. Fitting to his era, Robby had real class. An accomplished actor, he had the ability to play both evil and good robots with a typical steely resolve. He enjoyed a film career spanning over a half century and including many top TV series such as Lost in Space.

In 2004 Robby the Robot was inducted into the Robot Hall of Fame.




You want some deep philosophical summary for this post ? I ain't got one. Honestly I have no idea how my mind got on this track to begin with. But once I started I had to see the thing through so there it is.
Hey, appreciate your toaster.





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